When you think of Beyonce you may think of “all the single ladies”. When you think of single ladies many things might come across your mind. Perhaps it is panic that you are not married. Maybe the tired word spinster comes to mind. Maybe you are thinking of a young lady who is unattached.
For me I think about Jane Austen. What a powerhouse! I remember watching the movie Becoming Jane for the first time. One of my favorite movie lines is from this film. “I can live by my pen”. This movie made my heart soar in so many different directions.
Soar # 1: I felt the yearning that Jane did when she couldn’t find her leading man in the room. Do you remember how he just appeared out of now where as she continued to go through the motions of what she had to do? What a beautiful metaphor about love. This is where my interpretation of film and my desire to make film hold hands. I want to show how people are searching for things. I want to show this because I am in so much pain from looking all of the time. It takes a lot of energy to look for answers. I look everywhere because I know the answer can come from anyone or anything.
I will sit on the edge of my seat listening to every word of a lecture, movie, linger a bit longer when a pleasant fragrance comes across the air on walk. I know this is a good skill but I need to find balance. I need to be able to observe without expectation but still be present enough to seize an opportunity when it strikes.
Okay so I explained one direction that Becoming Jane made my heart soar. When I described this scene to my friend she said, “You are such a romantic!”
“Word” girlfriend! I am a romantic in most areas of my life not just the personal side.
To Write or Not to Write: So with regard to writing…I have been doing it a lot more lately. I have always had an interest in writing but I have had so many things beat it out of me that it was as if I was pumping the breaks on a steep hill.
“You need to find a real job”
“You are too young to know anything about the world”
“You should help with other more established people before going off on your own”
“Nobody is going to listen to you”.
And then a funny thing happened. I took creative writing at Rutgers (only two semesters) and one of my professors shared a published story from a high school or college student. She said she wanted to show us that we could do it too. She was a tricky one this professor. She had us read the great work first and then look up the author’s details in the back of the book later.
What did I realize? The work stood for itself. I could do it too. I should have been writing this entire time that I kept pausing.
Don’t get me wrong. Writing has always been here with me. It is a great coping mechanism but I still made excuses and let the bad stuff sink in. I let my creativity slide down quick sand with only a few fingers holding on for dear life.
I ignored my voice. I ignored my calling maybe? I made excuses for delaying.
“Oh I need structure”
“I stink at grammar”.
Don’t get me wrong I am aware I made a lot of typos but that is what editors are for. Also structure is a very important thing but I should have just kept writing without exception of it being good. I should have kept writing for me because I am also divine.
Care for yourself because you too are divine: People who don’t take care of themselves don’t realize that they too are divine. You are a part of the world. I am a part of the world. I have a long history of taking care of the people around me and perhaps I go through the motions of doing things that I love but I feel guilty when I do them.
I sit in front of live musicians whaling on jazz and I go back and forth between feeling so much peace but then I wonder if and when I should leave.
“Oh I need to get up early”
Guilt crops up in strange places: Oh this oh that….I am working on learning to put myself first. My fear is that I will become selfish. I don’t know why I am afraid to have fun. Oh wait no scratch that I am afraid of becoming selfish. I am afraid that one day if I have children/husband that I will want to be absent. I am afraid of making my imaginary children feel like they are not a part of my life.
But this is so silly. I am not attached. I am only responsible for myself right now. I guess I keep hearing how my life will be over when I get married and have children which is a whole other subject. In summary GAG to that damaging thought.
Some people think that their live begins after family. Some people think it ends.
I watched Stevie Nicks on OWN. She was on the show Master Class and I have to say she was simply brilliant. My mouth was wide open half of the time but my take away from her life was that she made her own plan. She choose to not get married but she is really happy and is living her life with music. “Landslide”. Who isn’t moved by this song???
I read this book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life and it taught me a lot. I will talk about her main concepts on a different day but one lesson she shares is that whatever our thoughts are is what comes true in the world. If you think bad things happen, bad things happen. If you think good things will happen and chat affirmations it will open up channels inside of you that were previously blocked.
Heart Soar # 2: So lately, I have been saying “I can live by my pen. I can live by my pen” over and over. I started writing a book in 2005 and I am determined to finish it this year. The affirmation will open up channels and I know the universe is going to respond to me in a way that will bring tears of joy to my eyes. Or at least jump up and down to celebrate. Yippy!!!!!!!
In essence the other way that Becoming Jane makes my heart soar is that she lived by her pen. She was an authoress. She was a single lady. Jane Austen. You go girl!!! You are my hero and a goddess!!!